


Practicing Vigilance

by Missy_dee811



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Accidental Kissing, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Tower, Biphobia, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Natasha Romanov, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bisexual Tony Stark, Canon Divergence - Avengers (2012), Closeted Character, Coming Out, Crying, Eventual Relationships, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Getting to Know Each Other, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Inspired by Poetry, Inspired by Real Events, Internalized Homophobia, Italian-American Character, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, M/M, Magic-Users, Male-Female Friendship, Maria Stark's A+ Parenting, POV Bisexual Character, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Past Tony Stark/Tiberius Stone, Pining, Pining Tony, Pining Tony Stark, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sexual Tension, Smoking, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-08 02:09:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19097605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811
Summary: The Avengers move into the Tower after the Battle of New York. Tony's still processing his breakup with Pepper, who has since moved on, when an easy friendship develops between Steve and him. That friendship soon becomes a crush, but all is well, until Tiberius Stone shows up.[Written for the Iron Man Big Bang 2018/2019.][Artfor 'Practicing Vigilance' by brokenEisenglas.]





	1. Ghosts and Stuff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brokenEisenglas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenEisenglas/gifts).



> Despite the parables I keep close  
> I won’t be mythologized by my father  
> who moves like an incoherent, boozing breeze  
> through my life’s antechambers.  
> I won’t admire the west vestibule of the Frick with him  
> not with this roast on a spit in my chest  
> the mind like a database of rage-expressions  
> the mind like a bottle of loose glitter—
> 
> so shadowy, my people, you begin  
> to see the blueprints in all things  
> until you can’t hold a book without  
> blowing on it to see if it will scatter  
> or laying on a bed, waiting to fall through  
> into the particle-laden apartment below—  
> to each his own until it ruins pleasure.
> 
> — Bianca Stone
> 
> You can read the rest of the poem [here](https://poets.org/poem/practicing-vigilance).
> 
> This is a very personal story and borrows elements of my life. I am much obliged to my artist, Kasie, for bringing my words to life and to my betas, notably Stefani and Maya, for willingly listening to me ramble. 
> 
> Your help and encouragement has been invaluable.

He walked into the mansion. It was quiet, though why he expected it to be loud – with the sounds of laughter, of dancing – or to be welcoming – with the scents of the kitchen – he didn’t know. It had never been that way. He was projecting what he had wished for: a reality that had never existed, but could have existed, had the right variables been present.

_If my father hadn’t been the way he was, maybe I wouldn’t be the way I am._

_Am I happy with who I am?_

_That’s not a question you want answered today, Stark._

No, this mansion, it had never felt like a home. It had never been hospitable. Sure, he had called this place _home_ , for lack of a better word, but it was never that. It was a habitat. He had to adapt to survive.

In this place, he existed, neither here nor there. If he could’ve been a phantasm, all the better. Then, he would’ve been able to roam the halls, meander through the corridors at will. Coming and going as he chose, whenever he chose, with no fear of retribution.

All those times he hid in the closet, or kept himself locked in the bathroom, so he could stay away, so he could be out of sight, out of reach; all those little moments would’ve come to pass. He wouldn’t have needed to do any of that.

He sighed, audible in the quiet, open foyer in which he found himself. 

Everything was exactly the way it had been. Exactly the way she had wanted it to look. Looks mattered, more so than anything else. It didn’t matter if she were dying inside, if it all appeared to be picture-perfect, then it was. It was so difficult to conjure memories of her voice, her step, her touch and wonder how much of it was real and how much of it was for the cameras or the eyes of onlookers. Worse yet, at times he wondered if she were trying to convince herself this was what she wanted, this was the life she wanted to lead.

If he ever found her crying, he knew better than to try to approach her or try to console her. Sometimes, he was overcome and would reach for her.

Some days she would say to him, “ _Il mio tesoro_ , sit with me,” as she wiped her eyes. She would hug him tight and smooth his hair, as if with that simple gesture, she could smooth away his fears.

It worked. It always worked.

Kissing his forehead, she would repeat, more to herself than anything, “I love you,” and he would believe her because she would believe it, and that was more than enough for him.

 

His mother wanted everything to be neat and orderly, and for the most part, he obliged. It was much simpler to give in, acquiesce. He could do this, and it made her happy, and that’s all he ever wanted.

He learned to love cleanliness and organization. He learned to thrive off the sense of satisfaction that came from finding the right use for a thing or the right place to store it. It shed light on his love and passion for engineering. He yearned to fix things – broken, discarded things. Beyond that, he yearned for solutions – to his suffering, most of all – to problems big and small.

For a long time, his solution was to numb the pain. He had several vices and it worked until it didn’t.

These days, he didn’t find himself at the end of a bottle. He wouldn’t put it past himself – the desire would always be there, he knew, and that truth grounded him – but he didn’t let himself fall that low. He knew he had people around him, people that cared – Rhodey, Pepper, Happy, and now, the Avengers.

Besides, he was doing this for them.

 

_“Oh, Tony, you don’t have to sell the mansion.” She spoke softly, as she often did when they were alone._

_“We need to liquidate some assets,” he said. His voice was solemn._

_They had spent the last three hours going over charts, scrutinizing all the data. It was exhausting, to know the numbers didn’t lie, and to know he would have to do something he wished he wouldn’t need to do. For as little love as he had for his childhood home, it had still been his home, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to relinquish ownership. Though he had considered retrofitting the Upper East Side mansion, he thought better of it._

_For that kind of expense, it was best to start anew. The Avengers were a new team and they deserved a new headquarters, not a retrofitted home, filled with too many memories and too many mistakes._

_The numbers didn’t lie, and his math was never wrong. He knew he needed the capital, needed to divest if he wanted to build this Tower on the East River._

_His team needed a place for themselves when they weren’t off saving the world, and his company could use a new headquarters. It would give him the chance to showcase his clean energy initiatives to the City of New York. While he knew there was no way he’d get around meeting with the City Council and attending public hearings, he took little pleasure._

_He wanted to build something that would influence urban planners and architects. Something that would inspire them to design new and intelligent ways of living in the city center, of incorporating renewable energy and environmentally-friendly practices._

_There would be gardens. There would be common areas open to all who lived and worked in the building. There would be bridges connecting various floors, allowing free access._

_He and Pepper had spent a great deal of time planning. “This is as much mine as it is yours,” he said to her._

_She had nodded in approval. Regardless of what had changed, he didn’t trust anyone else as much as he trusted her. There was no other person with whom he would’ve embarked on this endeavor. She knew. They were partners._

_He had sketched all his ideas and shown them to her and she, in turn, had offered her input._

_Avengers Tower would house all the present Avengers and any future members. They could work, train, and organize under one roof._

_“And we will,” said Pepper, breaking his train of thought._

_She was sitting on the opposite side of the couch, her toes tucked under her knees. She had taken off her heels the second she sat down, as was customary for her. In another time, he would’ve offered to give her a massage. He knew her toes always hurt after a long day._

_“Pep, why don’t you wear something a little bit more comfortable?”_

_She’d lean her head back, letting her hair fall on the cushions. She’d take a deep breath, “Oh, Tony. If I thought I could, I would. Only Natasha enjoys walking in them.” She would leave it at that, wouldn’t extrapolate._

_He wouldn’t bring it up again, he would just offer his services, and on those days, when she said yes, he would take silent pleasure in being able to give her this._

_Now, she was sitting a few feet from him, close enough that he could feel her presence and her warmth, but too far to touch, not that he could do that anymore. Her skirt, a little shorter than the ones she usually wore, exposed much of her thighs._

_For a moment, he wanted to be distracted. He wanted to crawl over to her, close the laptop she was balancing precariously on her knees, placate any worries she may have, and envelop her._

_It would start as a hug, lead to caresses, lingering touches, and eventually, blossom into something else._

_He knew what she would do, knew how she would taste, knew what she would say, how she would whisper it._

_He wanted to see her roll her eyes, but smile and lean into his kiss, into his touch._

_He couldn’t do that anymore and wouldn’t dare cross a boundary. She had broken it off and he had accepted it was the end for them._

_“I’ll always be your friend,” she had said, in that deeply honest, earnest way only she and Steve Rogers could ever manage._

_She and Steve, now that was thought he wasn’t going to indulge. Regardless, her friendship meant more to him than whatever they could’ve had had, and though he missed her, she continued to be a part of his life._

_He yearned for what they had and wanted that with someone. He hadn’t found that someone, though, in all honesty, he hadn’t tried; hadn’t looked. A part of him felt it was worse to fail, to face rejection, than to accept his fate._

_He didn’t say any of this to her. It would make the wrong impression, she’d take it the wrong way, think he wanted them to get back together. All he wanted was someone who would love him the same way. It was quite unfair and too much to ask of anyone else._

Love me the way she loved me.

_Besides, she was better off. She didn’t have to deal with the paparazzi, didn’t have to deal with his mood drops, his engineering binges, or his addiction._

_She had been through the worst of it, by his side. Offering a voice of both reason and comfort. It had been her plea of_ please, you need help, _that had motivated him to seek counseling._

_She never threatened to leave, and he was immensely grateful for all she had done, and all she had encouraged him to do, but she had said she couldn’t bear to see him like that, and worst of all, she couldn’t be with him if it would be that way._

_She had said to him, “I have my own dreams, and I can’t dream my dreams if my nightmares are all you.”_

_The words had shattered something in him._

_She had left crying that day and it broke his heart to see her like that. She had always been his pillar of strength, of resilience. He loved her so much and her resounding faith – not to mention, her love and admiration – had saved him._

_If she could see in him the person she thought she’d lost… He could find himself again._

_He couldn’t let her down._

_And so, she may not have known it then, but she had rescued him._

_She ran her hand through his hair. “I know why you’re doing this, Tony. If it’s what you want, if it’s what you need, I will help you, but I don’t want you to sell your childhood home for this. We can always build elsewhere.”_

_“No, Pep. The Avengers need a home and we need –”_

_“Tony… I don’t need this, they don’t need this, but you… You do.”_

_He was silent for a moment. “What about an auction?”_

_Pepper turned to face him and smiled._

_“To benefit the Maria Stark Foundation,” he said. She smiled wider now and he felt contentment surge through him._ This was the right thing to do, but it wouldn’t be easy.

_“Okay, let’s go check it out. We’re not far from there. We’ll grab some pizza on the way, eat it in your father’s study.”_

_Tony laughed, “Oh yeah, my old man would’ve loved that. Pizza in the study”_

_She threw her head back and laughed. “I think we’ve been on this couch for too long, that joke wasn’t even that funny.”_

_“Don’t be mean, it was a little funny.”_

_“No,” said Pepper, “you just think you’re oh so clever.”_

_“You were the one to laugh. I always laugh at my jokes.”_

_“Touché,” she said getting off the sofa and reaching for his hand. He let her guide him to his feet. She walked back over to the other side of the sofa and picked up her pumps._

_“I bought you those, didn’t I?”_

_She smirked, “Yes and I thanked you at the time. Unless you’ve forgotten that night.”_

_He moved closer. “I haven’t forgotten any of my nights with you.”_

_He walked away before he said anything else. She stood there, absorbing his words, before leaning down to put on her shoes._

_She squeezed his shoulder as she walked by him to grab her satchel and make her way to the door._

_Tony combed his fingers through his hair to look less unkempt. He missed her touch already._

 

It brought him a sense of accomplishment. He could do this. He could do this well. And he would be rewarded. His father would praise him, and he wanted that most of all.

A word of kindness would suffice.

“You did good, my boy.”

It never came.

If he finished a task, there would be another waiting. The clock was ticking, time was never on his side. The nights seemed too short, the days too long, and the time in between ever-changing.

He supposed, in his time here, in this place, he just existed. Carving, for himself, a nook, a cranny, so long as it was out of the reach of others. He’d let Jarvis in and his mother, if she asked, but never his father.

He lived in a mansion, and still, it seemed he couldn’t escape Howard. Howard knew of everything and anything happening in his home, and those who called it home, lived under his careful watch. Some days, Tony detested his father.

Detested looking like him, detested having his name, running his company. Most of all, he hated being Howard’s legacy. He hadn’t earned that right, and Tony, for his part, felt it was a punishment.

_Why couldn’t I have been more like her?_

When his mother saw him, did she really see him, or did she see Howard?

And how could she love him if she saw her husband’s features and expressions mirrored in her son’s?

 

Hours later, in his hotel room, he thought back to what he had said to Pepper. It wasn’t fair to her. Wasn’t fair to keep bringing up things they used to do or how they used to act. It was mutual. They had ended things amicably. She was still a great friend and they worked together – very well, he might add.

After all, Pepper was the CEO of the company he had inherited and had revamped after his soiree in a cave. She was his boss. The tables had turned, in more ways than one, but he was satisfied. They had dated for a few years and were still in each other’s lives. They sought each other’s company, but that had always been true.

His turned to his bed. Empty.

_What did you really expect?_

He had been tempted to ask, but if he didn’t ask, he didn’t have to hear her rejection laced with melancholy.

_“Tony, we shouldn’t.”_

_“Of course, of course. You’re right. I shouldn’t have asked. Wildly inappropriate and all that.”_

_“Tony, I know it’s hard sometimes, but this really is for the best.”_

Other days, it was easier to move forward.

She hadn’t started seeing anyone. He could be wrong, though. Wouldn’t be surprised. She was a great woman. Who wouldn’t want to be with a great woman? Who wouldn’t want to have her around?

Beautiful. Clever. Kind.

It would be fine. She would meet someone new. Rekindle an old flame.

He closed his eyes. He felt tired. More tired than he had felt sorting through his mother’s things.

He was pulled from his reverie by a text. _I’m flying out tomorrow. We’ll discuss the plans some more over Skype. You’ll need to review…_

He couldn’t read the rest of the message, but he knew what it would say. _You’ll need to review the rest of the boxes._ He knew she was right.

 

He could’ve stayed there. He didn’t have to leave. It was his house. Though the deed bore his name, he had needed an escape. Had desperately wanted to get out of there, had been waiting for her to yawn, to complain of boredom. He knew she wasn’t bored. Knew she would never find something like this boring, but he had hoped she’d get tired.

Once she had started yawning, he knew she would agree to leave things as they were. He wrestled with the idea of hiring someone to do this work, but he knew that wouldn’t cut it.

“We can always come back,” she had said, as she finished packing an unmarked box.

With her hands still on the box, she had turned to face him. “How long have you had these boxes here,” she had asked.

_Three years. I haven’t been able to pack. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so many times, but I keep finding things she wrote. I keep finding memories and some are too painful._

He didn’t say.

 

Howard and Maria had died twenty years prior. He had mourned them long enough. Even JARVIS would agree, it was time to move on. He needed to sell the mansion, for it was weighing him down.

He let the screen fade to black and didn’t reply. He could feign not having seen it as he only saw the blurb pop up but hadn’t clicked on the icon itself. She wouldn’t have known, and even if she could, she’d know better than to expect a response.

He couldn’t tell her how much he missed her, how much he craved her touch, and her affection. It would hurt her to hear it and he couldn’t do that to her. He had hurt her enough.

He had to start letting go, and not just of her.

Ghosts could only haunt you if you believed in them.


	2. Gold, Guns, Girls

“To the both of you,” he said as he raised his glass. A toast to their friendship and their many accomplishments.

Rhodey smiled and squeezed his shoulder, taking a sip from Tony’s sparkling cider.

“Thief.”

Pepper turned to face Rhodey. “Why won’t you join the Avengers?’

“Love the suit – thank you again, Tony – but I’m not interested in fighting aliens. I’m just here to look out for my buddy. Got to have a best man if I get married.”

Pepper beamed. “I take it things are serious with that Air Force pilot.”

Tony smiled, warm and bright. He had seen Carol and Rhodey together and couldn’t have thought of a better match.

“I think it might be a little soon for that, but I’m keeping my options open.”

“Either way, I’m glad,” she said.

“And you?”

She didn’t answer immediately, opting instead to take a lengthy sip. “Oh, nothing much.”

“I think our resident itsy-bitsy spider would object to being called ‘nothing,’” interjected Tony.

Rhodey and Pepper both looked at him. Rhodey in surprise and Pepper in mock anger.

“I told you about Carol and you didn’t mention anything about dating the Black Widow? I’m _hurt_ ,” said Rhodey.

He looked at Pepper, his brows furrowing in concentration, and took a sip of his champagne. “I’d expect that kind of secrecy from Tony, but _you_? You’re supposed to be the good one.”

“Hey,” said Tony, but it lacked heat.

“You’ve been seeing Carol for months, Natalia and I only started dating about a month ago.”

“ _Natalia_?” They both said in unison, whereupon they shared a look.

“That’s her name,” said Pepper, resolutely.

“What else are you hiding,” asked Rhodey.

“You’re both so dramatic. I’m not hiding anything. We’ve been on three dates. We talk about art, we go to the opera.”

Tony and Rhodey shared a look of disbelief. They were incredulous. Who would’ve thought the Black Widow would be going to the opera, and with her girlfriend? Tony knew very little about Natasha, the woman. He knew plenty about Black Widow, the spy. She had defected from the KGB. Clint was tasked with finding her and apprehending her. He disobeyed his orders and brought her in.

Fury must’ve seen something in her. Something he hadn’t seen in anyone in quite some time. They had an unlikely bond. He had seen that first-hand.

She worked for SHIELD all these years. Tony always thought there might’ve been something between her and the resident archer, but he didn’t dare ask. He had thought of asking Pepper, but he wasn’t sure which idea scared him most.

It didn’t matter. She had proven her worth. She was willing to make the calls Steve couldn’t or wouldn’t make. She was invaluable as an Avenger. She was clever and resourceful. She could fade into obscurity, but she had no qualms with publicity.

“You just said you’d consider marrying Carol. It’s not the same thing. Besides, we’re taking it slow. Don’t want it to get out, and you two blabbermouths love to gossip.”

“For starters, you love it when we gossip. Don’t complain when you provide us with such good fodder.”

“I just… Natalia is a spy. I’m the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and a public figure. Not to mention, we’re both women. I don’t want this to be too much, for her or for me.”

She didn’t add that she had already been in a high-profile romantic relationship. She didn’t add that the pressures of being romantically attached to a man many had seen as the eternal bachelor had taken a toll on her. She didn’t add that their breakup was tough on them both, but tougher on her.

No one expected Tony to stay committed, and though they both knew infidelity wasn’t the reason – would never have been the reason – for their split, she wasn’t unbothered by _People’s_ insinuations. Every day, a new woman would be named as the one that had come between them.

First, it had been the Japanese heiress, Rumiko Fujikawa, when pictures emerged. They had met at a business conference. Then, it was Maya Hansen. He had also met her at a conference. They had both spoken about their work. He was enamored with her, of course, but also, her research. He attended every conference at which she presented. She was smarter than the rest and knew her worth. He admired her tenacity.

He was attached to other women as well. Women he had dated in his twenties and thirties.

Annoyingly, _The National Enquirer_ , of all publications, managed to hit the nail on the head. They attributed the breakup to Tony’s ‘wild mood swings’ and ‘frequent binging.’ They never specified the nature of said binging, and with Tony’s history, people jumped to conclusions.

 _Once an addict, always an addict._ He couldn’t blame them, he shared the thought too.

There was also the question of Iron Man, but _The View_ had spoken about that at length. They’d said Pepper had known about Iron Man from the beginning, and had asked, why would this be a cause for worry now and not after Afghanistan?

He hadn’t wanted to hear what they had to say. Nuance wasn’t their specialty. He had learned the hard way that sensationalists loved to sensationalize. Their inflated egos spoke for themselves. They’d praise themselves for the way they handled complex and delicate subjects, but at no point in time, would they be gentle.  

He didn’t care what they thought about him. What they thought of her was infinitely more important and so much of it was wrong.

Tony knew the truth though.

Pepper loved Tony and she loved Iron Man. Iron Man was about helping people, rescuing those who couldn’t save themselves. In much the same way Yinsen and the armor had saved him from the life he had been living and had paved the way for the life he lives now.

Then the Avengers and the Battle of New York happened. Suddenly, it became a way to endanger himself. Itself an obsession and the armor an addiction. 

All his fears realized and the promise he had made her, broken.

They had issued a joint statement saying they were still close friends and that the leadership at Stark International would not change. It pacified some but was never going to be enough for everyone.

“You don’t owe them more than that,” had said Happy, and Tony tried to remember that, feeling guilty all the same.

 

Thus, Tony couldn’t blame her for choosing to stay in the shadows. She had deserved the peace and quiet that came with being in a relationship that wasn’t under constant scrutiny.

“You’re right,” said Tony, apologetically.

“Well, if you start dating a teammate and keep it from me, that might just be the end of this friendship. I couldn’t handle that betrayal,” said Rhodey, in jest. Mostly.

“Oh please, no need to worry. Highly doubt I’d date a teammate,” said Tony. He shook his head.

_Who would he date?_

He and Bruce were friends. Even if he was batting for the same team, Tony wasn’t interested in him in that way. They were teammates and friends. There were no sparks between them.

“Oh, well… I wouldn’t sell yourself so short, Tony, from what Natalia tells me…”

She quickly covered her mouth, not having intended to say as much. Both men waited for her to finish but she just nodded.

“Oh, it’s really not my place to say!”

They sat around for some time. Pepper talked about her dates with Natasha. Rhodey talked about Carol. And Tony, for his part, sat around listening to them both talk about the people that made them happiest. He was happy they were happy.

A small part of him wanted to share in this happiness.  

 

It had only been a few months since that day he and Pepper had been discussing the mansion and the Foundation. Since then, he had auctioned most of his family’s belongings, keeping only the things that held sentimental value. Of which, admittedly, there weren’t many.

Anything of Howard’s was long gone. They sold well.

Most of the money remained with the Foundation, which provided relief to the homeless: struggling mothers and their young children, many of whom were fleeing violence and abuse in their homes. Though some were homeless for other reasons: some had lost their support systems for coming out as queer, some were struggling with undiagnosed mental illnesses, and yet others were struggling with addiction.

The Foundation sought to help them all, in all the ways it could, so that they could get back on their feet, pick up the pieces of their shattered lives, and move on. The Foundation offered counseling and rehabilitation, education and work opportunities, and housing. People from across the city could seek refuge at one of their dozens of locations.

Maria had always loved New York, from the moment she had landed, and had sought to care for its most vulnerable, even in the event of her death. It was written in her will, but even if it hadn’t, Tony would’ve kept her dream alive if only because it was her dream.

He had spent his youth going to the various shelters and crisis centers with her and had played with the kids his age, especially the girls. They were always kind to him and let him play with their dolls. Maria knew but never told Howard. Though she had asked him once why.

 

_“I’m not upset, just curious.”_

_“We get to pretend things are different. We get to pretend we’re grown-ups.”_

_“Oh, I can see why they’d want to do that. Can you?”_

_He nodded. He had seen the cuts, burns, and scars some of the girls had. One of them had even told him about the way her father used to touch her. He just listened quietly, but thought to himself,_ that wasn’t right _._

_He had asked his mother about that and she had been silent for a long time before she said, “Some men think little girls and boys are just like dolls. Playthings.”_

_It took him awhile to understand what she had meant._

_There had been boys too, but he stayed away from them. Some of them were cruel and mean and played pranks on the girls. One of the boys had tried to touch one of the girls in the wrong way. His mother hadn’t been too happy to hear that’s why they were being expelled._

_“This is a safe environment for everyone here. We can’t tolerate this behavior, from your son, or from anyone.”_

_In the car, on the way home that evening, Maria had said to him, “Boys who watch their fathers do as they please don’t know how to ask for permission. It never hurts to ask, but it can hurt if you don’t.”_

_He thought of Howard and wondered if his dad had ever asked for permission to do the things he wanted, or if he just did as he pleased. He had seen him grab his mother, had heard some of the comments he made around his friends, and had found his mother talking to Jarvis in the middle of the night._

_“No one would believe me, Edwin, and I don’t want to make things worse for Tony. It could be so much worse.”_

_“Maria, with all due respect, you shouldn’t have to put up with any of it.”_

_“I know, Edwin. I do. I really do.”_

_“Then why do you?”_

_“Because love is irrational, and I love him.”_

 

Tony had thought of renaming the Foundation – of naming it after a song he and Maria used to play on the piano – but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wanted to keep somethings to himself.

 

He checked his watch. “I should get going. I’m flying out tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to travel commercial,” said Tony.

“Besides, I gave you an armor you could fly anywhere.”

“You must realize I’m not you and most people, myself included, would want to sit while flying.”

“Yes, and you could be seated – comfortably might I add – on my jet,” said Tony.

“There’s nothing wrong with flying commercial,” said Rhodey.

Pepper chimed in, “And Tony, if he were to fly in the armor – which I’m definitely not recommending – you’d be depriving Carol of the chance to pick him up from the airport.”

“This is true, but you could surprise her,” said Tony.

Rhodey shook his head. “Carol’s not one for surprises. She’s a straight-forward kind of person.”

“If you say so.”

“I do,” said Rhodey.

Tony was reminded of his words from before. Their friendship spanned decades, and in that time, Rhodey had had his fair share of girlfriends. They came and went, but this time, it was different.

She was the one. Tony wasn’t going to ruin that for him.

“Well, not that it was a competition, but you win this round, Care Bear. At least, stay for Scrabble.”

Tony beamed, and Pepper shrugged in response to Rhodey’s unasked question.

Some days, it was hard to read him.

 

Construction on Avengers Tower had progressed without a hitch. Stark International had moved its offices to the lower levels of the building, with a dozen floors devoted to research. The Avengers quickly took over the rest. The team lived, trained, and worked in the same building. It ran on Tony’s arc reactor technology and had helped supply power to an ever-growing city that was still running on an antiquated power grid.

ConEdison wasn’t too happy, but Tony didn’t care about ConEd.

 

_“Try not to get on their bad side,” said Pepper, before a meeting with city planners._

_“I’m only ever on your bad side,” he said with a self-deprecating smirk._

_“You know that’s not true. Now, go be charming, but not too charming.”_

New Yorkers loved their lower energy bills, the State loved not having to spend so much to power nearby subway stations, opting to use those funds for much-needed improvements. The Board, of course, loved the return on investment.

“Your heart runs the city,” said Pepper.

 

After a game of Scrabble, Tony stood. “Once again, thank you, both, for coming. You’re more than welcome to stay and your guest rooms are ready.”

“Thank you, but I’ve already paid for my hotel,” said Rhodey.

“At least let Happy fly you to JFK,” said Tony. He wasn’t above begging.

“LaGuardia. I have a connection in Denver.”

“‘There’s nothing wrong with flying commercial,’ oh, how your words come back to haunt you.”

“I’m not complaining about the connection, I did book the flights.”

 

Before Tony could bring up his issues with LGA or offer his private jet again, Pepper leaned over and kissed his cheek.

“I should be heading out too,” she said.

She hugged Rhodey and he hugged her back. They saw each other much less than they saw Tony. Video calls could only do so much. The demands of their jobs on opposite coasts made gatherings of this sort nearly impossible.

“Don’t be a stranger,” she added and pulled away.

“Says the woman dating a spy,” he replied.

Pepper rolled her eyes.

“You can tell Carol, but please, don’t let word get out. We’re not ready.”

“I promise,” he said.

Turning to face Tony, he added, “And you, don’t disappear.”

“I can’t make such promises. Will you come rescue me, just in case?”

“Not if you end up in the desert again. Otherwise, I’ll be there.”

 

Tony hugged them and headed for his penthouse. He hadn’t thought of being with anyone, not since that day he had thought of asking Pepper to come back to his hotel room.

 _Progress_.

It was nice to know they had found love, but he hadn’t given love much thought. He had been so busy. His ever-growing company, his training sessions with his teammates, and his missions as Iron Man kept him in tip-top shape. They also kept any errant thoughts at bay.

 

The elevator doors opened on his floor and he found himself face-to-face with a ghost. This time, from college.

“Anthony, have you forgotten your manners?”

A myriad of emotions flooded his brain. Confusion, fear, and then anger.

He settled on anger. He could weaponize his anger. He had thought of doing that so many times before. In those dark moments, when he wished he had been strong, when he wished he had been able to see through the lies.

It seemed, time and time again, he would be the fool. His father had never loved him, Obie had only used him, and Ty? He had done both.

Rhodey’s comment filtered through the anger. A warning, perhaps, but more likely, a reminder. _Be careful._

“Get out,” said Tony, steeling his voice. “I don’t care why you’re here and I want you gone.”

“Anthony,” said Ty, moving closer. “Don’t you want to find out how I managed to get in? Then again, you are an Avenger now, and you do your best work after the fact. That had always been the case, hadn’t it?”

Tempering his anger was proving difficult. “I’ve heard enough of your bullshit for one lifetime. Get out of my house.”

“I’m offended, I thought you’d want to see me. Weren’t you just saying to your friends it would be nice to have a surprise?”

_I’m being watched._

“I’m here to make you an offer you can’t refuse. If you help me, great. If you don’t, well, that’s not really an option, is it?”

“This isn’t a negotiation, Ty. I want you out of my house and out of my life.”

“You haven’t agreed to my terms.”

“And I won’t. You’re in no position to be making demands,” said Tony. He was determined to walk away from this. He wasn’t looking for a fight, he wasn’t looking to make a scene.

He wanted to be left alone with all his conflicting and traitorous thoughts and he never wanted to see Tiberius Stone ever again.

“Oh,” said Ty, closing the distance between them. “But I think I am.”

The light of the arc reactor was the only thing between them. It was dark all around and only its brilliant hue illuminated their visages. It served as a visceral reminder of all that transpired since Tony had last seen him.

And yet, his heart was beating out of his chest. It seemed that remained unchanged.

He had wanted this touch once before. Yearned for it, even. That felt like a lifetime ago. Presently, fear and anger were threatening to overwhelm him.

 “You should be happy you’re still in a position to talk,” said Tony, turning away.

He had called the armor to him. It shouldn’t be taking this long. There must be a holdup.

Ty reached for his arm. His fingers tightening around his wrist. “You were never this violent when we were in college. I had been wondering about that suit of yours. You must’ve called it when I you first arrived. It’s taking its time, isn’t it? Shouldn’t it be here by now?”

He schooled his expression. He was wondering that too and couldn’t let him know.

Tony could fight him off, he knew. He and Happy had spent years boxing. He and Steve had spent months sparring. If Captain America couldn’t teach him how to fend off an attacker, he had no business being an Avenger.

Yet, he felt captive. Trapped. Ty’s hands were on him and he couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe. The walls were caving in. He felt the way he had all those years ago. He thought time had made him stronger, wiser. He knew now that he was wrong. It had made him forgetful.

“I must admit, I wanted to see it in person. You were always so clever with that mouth of yours, and those hands…”

_Enough._

He had heard more than enough. The media had spent so much time digging up old girlfriends, spring flings, and the occasion one-night stand, but had glossed over his relationship with Tiberius. Under different circumstances, it could be comical.

 

_“This is so stupid. I’m upset they’re not talking about all my exes, just the women, when the truth is they shouldn’t be talking about any of my exes. I know it’s weird to talk about this with you, but…”_

_“It’s not weird, Tony, and I understand,” said Pepper._

She always did.

Before Ty could say anything else, the gauntlet incased Tony’s forearm, and the repulsor roared to life. Its whirring comforted him more than words could.

Incensed and losing his cool, he aimed for the face. “I will annihilate you. We’re not teenagers anymore and you don’t own me. You never have, and you never will. I won’t say it again. I want you out of house and out of my life.”

He had to give him credit where credit was due: a lesser man would’ve been tempted to move. Tony had confronted lesser men before as both versions of himself.

Tiberius was many things, but a lesser man wasn’t among them. He held firm; unwaveringly. Tony found it admirable. He always had.  

If Tony hadn’t been standing so close, if the arc reactor hadn’t illuminated his face, he wouldn’t have seen the expressions that flashed across. Amazingly, he was unbothered.

“Oh Anthony, you’ll never hurt me,” he said. He had the audacity to laugh. Chuckling to himself. He had called Tony’s bluff.

Pulling Tony closer, he caressed his cheek. “If you had wanted, you wouldn’t have stalled.”

Tony pulled away and Ty let him go.

Tony covered his forearm with his gauntlet. He knew he was right, but he didn’t want to admit it, and surely, not aloud.

Seemingly satisfied, Ty made his way out of the penthouse. Tony couldn’t help but stand by and watch. He still didn’t know what he wanted, he still didn’t know why he had been doing in the Tower.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, clutching his arm.

He needed to reassess. He needed to find the answers.

 

“JARVIS, the Tower is on lockdown. I do not want to be disturbed. Unless the world is ending, I don’t want to know. I have to get to the bottom of this.”

**Of course. Running full diagnostics now.**

He had wanted to sleep. Exhaustion was creeping in. He wasn’t a young man anymore and all those years of abuse and neglect had caught up with him. Late nights and all-nighters were much harder to pull. His body needed to rest, he knew he shouldn’t be pushing himself, but he needed answers. He needed to get to the bottom of this.

He knew he’d had to contend with back pain in the morning and an unending migraine mid-afternoon, but it was worth the peace-of-mind, or so, he told himself.

Besides, he couldn’t fail again. Couldn’t fail the team. The Tower was their home too. He had invited them to live here. He was supposed to protect them.

He thought he had been, and he had thought wrong.

There was no way he’d sleep now. He was on edge. Coffee was a bad idea, but the other options were much worse. Once in the kitchen, he started brewing his favorite beans. He hadn’t done a thing to earn such a treat, but he was learning not to deprive himself of such simple things.

 

“JARVIS, where are the others.”

**Agent Romanoff is not on premises.**

“Oh, so _that’s_ why Pepper booked a hotel. She thinks she’s so sneaky.”

**Captain Rogers is in Washington, D.C.**

_Oh? Since when?_

He didn’t voice the thought aloud, but nonetheless, JARVIS answered.

**It is not for me to say, but Captain Rogers will be back tomorrow. At which point, you can ask himself yourself, sir.**

“Yeah, yeah. Just… Just let me know when he gets back.”

**Will do.**

“What about Clint and Bruce,” he asked.

**Mr. Barton is not on premises. He should be back tomorrow as well.**

“I know, I know. You’re not going to tell me, I’ll have to ask Barton myself.”

**Correct. And lastly, Dr. Banner is currently meditating in his study.**

“Isn’t that convenient? Ty must’ve been waiting until Pepper and Rhodey left. We’re being watched, J, and you know I don’t like that.”


	3. Sweets Dreams

“Surprised to see you up so early, Stark. Or, were you up the whole night?”

“Where’s your sparring partner,” replied Tony, ignoring her question.

He had been up all night, but it was none of her concern. He didn’t want to talk to her about it. In fact, he didn’t want to talk about it at all, but he did want to see Steve. He hadn’t seen him after his run and had been looking forward to it.

He’d only been gone for three days. The second such trip in only a few weeks. Not that he was keeping track.

_Three days._

Steve had been gone for three days and he couldn’t stop time thinking about him.

Though he hadn’t noticed, they’d fallen into a pattern. Tony didn’t sleep very much, when he did, or even when he didn’t, he was up and about very early.

He felt sleep was a waste of time. He knew he needed the rest. His body, most of all. Yet, there were too many things he needed to do and not enough hours to do them all.

Early mornings, he’d jump in the shower, after which, he’d go down to the workshop. He’d have one of the bots brew his first cup. Opting to grab the second from the kitchen upstairs, as he made his way into the office.

It had nothing to do with the fact that Steve would be waiting for him, his favorite mug in hand.

Steve didn’t need much sleep. He was up earlier than most. He’d traverse most of the island on his morning run and would come back to shower drenched in sweat. It was quite a sight.

He’d cook breakfast. Nothing too complicated. Eggs, bacon, and toast. Steak and home fries were his favorite, but he seemed to save that for the weekends. Tony had insisted he could eat whatever, whenever. They lived in New York, after all, but Steve shrugged him off.

Tony had been dismissed plenty of times as a child. He knew when he would be ignored. With Steve, though, he didn’t take offense. Steve seemed genuinely pleased to hear that Tony wouldn’t mind if he made his favorite meal every morning for breakfast.

He didn’t need to wonder if Steve had been dismissed as a child. It was evident.

Tony would learn, he spoke too soon. There was never enough orange juice in the Tower. Never. Steve went through gallons of the stuff. They had a budget for his orange juice obsession.

Tony had considered buying Steve stock; _Simply_ , _Tropicana_ , _Florida’s Best_ – he seemed to have no preference. _Untrue_ , he thought. It had to have pulp.

He drank so much of it, it was clear he was invested in their longevity and growth.

He had asked JARVIS, “If I could plant a tree, would he take offense?”

You’ll have to ask Captain Rogers yourself.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” said Tony. Thereafter, he kept the thought to himself.

 

At first, they had been unsure if the other was welcome.

Early one morning, Tony had come down before Steve, though he knew he would be up soon. He had made his coffee and feeling presumptuous, decided to put on the kettle, and lay out a few different teas for Steve to choose.

Steve would drink coffee if offered, but he never made it for himself.

When he came down, having showered, and sporting the softest henley he owned, he’d been happily surprised by the kind gesture and had given Tony a rare, genuine smile. Tony watched him weigh his options before settling on oolong.

It was then Tony realized he’d do a lot to see that smile and henceforth, made of point of coming down to spend some time with him versus heading straight down into the workshop.

He was behind on his work, but that didn’t seem to matter as much.

 

Sometimes, Steve would come down in his pajamas, and Tony wondered if it would be appropriate to give thanks for his physique. He didn’t believe in God, but some days, his unwavering faith in both Thor and him more than made up for that.

If the Greeks had seen him, they would’ve sculpted fewer statues of Apollo and more statues of him. Of that, Tony was sure. He’d run it by Pepper, knowing she’d laugh at the joke – she laughed at all his jokes – but it was too close to the truth.

Much like Pygmalion, he had fallen for his creation. The uniforms he built for the team were built to their specifications. Natasha had been very specific. She had her preferences. Tony wasn’t going to argue. She would know what she needed.

Besides, he wasn’t the one fighting aliens in a catsuit.

Steve, however, trusted Tony far too much, and gave him free reign. The first time he tried on the new uniform, he smiled.

_“It fits like a glove,” he said._

Tony beamed. He had spent the longest on Steve’s new uniform. The one he had worn on their first outing as a team had been sub-par, to say the least. Steve preferred this new, more subdued uniform. Though, he suggested a few tweaks.

_“Do you like it,” he asked._

_“I do,” said Steve._

Tony tried to keep his eyes to himself, but he was so beautiful, at ease, and comfortable. Tony wondered if that had been the same smile he had when Howard had given him the shield.

He couldn’t ask that.

He had been working on the Avengers’ uniforms for months now. He didn’t even have to look at his notes anymore. He knew every one of Steve’s measurements. Of course, Steve was in shape. Not only was he a super soldier, but he ran 5 miles a day, and worked out for an additional 2-3 hours, doing a combination of calisthenics and gymnastics.

In his pajamas, in the dim light of the kitchen, he looked soft and warm. His relaxed look and perfectly tousled hair made him very easy on the eyes.

Tony wanted to lean against his chest and feel the beat of his heart. He wanted to wrap his hands around his waist and hold him.

It didn’t take long for Tony to start imagining what it would be like to lie on his chest under a thick duvet. He wondered if he smelled like his soap, his linens, or perhaps, something better.

Some days, he even let himself wonder how he would taste.

 

As was often the case, he’d come down, just before twilight, in his too-tight shirt and those sweatpants that left little to the imagination, ready for his run.

Tony had been surprised to learn that while Steve preferred tea, he drank coffee on occasion.

“Chamomile?”

“Please,” said Steve, taking his seat next to him on the barstool. He took one sip and turned to Tony.

“Work? Insomnia? What’s kept you up? You usually sleep in on Saturdays.”

“It’s the only day I can,” replied Tony.

He took another sip from his mug before answering Steve’s question. “Bad dreams.”

“The kind I’m thinking?”

“Yeah, those.”

“Maybe I should be making this for you,” said Steve, quietly.

It wasn’t the first time he had offered to brew some tea for Tony, but something about the way he said it now, and the way he sat, taking up as little space as possible, while holding the mug close to his chest, hinted at something more, though Tony couldn’t pinpoint why.

“I appreciate the offer, but it’s not my cup of tea,” he said.

Immediately, Steve turned to him and smiled. Oh, how he loved that smile. Wished he could see that smile every day.

Tony drank his coffee in companionable silence. He knew Steve knew what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, paralyzed with fear, unable to stop the nightmare from replaying. He hadn’t had a nightmare in some time. It had caught him off guard.

After that, he couldn’t fall back asleep and opted to go down and make a warm cup of joe. It was Saturday and he could’ve slept in if he had wanted, but a part of him wanted to go down and spend time with Steve, and another part of him wanted to get out of his bed, out of his room.

_We confine our demons to certain spaces. We tell them they have power here. Our senses – sight, touch, smell – are powerful manipulators. They remind us of things we’d long forgotten and often, they make it impossible for us to forget._

_Those are the thoughts that haunt us._

_You cannot give your demons power, Anthony. You must seize it for yourself. Don’t allow your demons to wander your room and distract you. You’ll be left distraught._

_The things he said and did to you, the way you remember your encounters, the smells you associate with him, you can’t let them consume you. And they will try. Day after day, they will encroach the space in which you sleep and breathe, and you will suffocate._

_You have power over your thoughts, Anthony. Not the other way around._

_Your demons are just a manifestation of those thoughts. We can work on this. We can work on the ways you think. I’m here to help._

The days went by in a blur. Stark International had filed new patents and the process was taking some time. Tony had spent a lot of time in R&D to ensure production on the prototypes was running smoothly. It meant scrutinizing every detail and long nights at the office.

He was tired.

His insomnia was ever present, which didn’t ameliorate the situation. His exhaustion was reaching a breaking point, and he knew he’d have to do something about it. Preferably, sooner rather than later.

The only positive were his encounters with Steve early in the morning, before sunrise. Some days they only sat and chatted, other days they played cards games. Sometimes, they’d discuss the news. Steve spent a lot of time watching NY1 and had found himself interested in local politics. At first, he had been surprised, though he didn’t know why. He had thought Steve would spend his time watching nature or history documentaries, trying to catch up on all he had missed, but Steve had shaken his head, dismissing both claims.

He said the history documentaries painted a very different picture and not one he was interested in watching. The nature documentaries were beautiful and stunning, but they relaxed him too much, and he found himself dozing off, or outright falling asleep.

Tony had laughed at that.

 

_“It’s because you’re an old man, Rogers.”_

_“I’m younger than you,” he replied._

_“Not what your birth certificate says.”_

 

Instead, he had turned to local news.

Tony had spent much of his life around politicians and knew them to be mostly concerned with the next election, ways to advance their careers, enlarge their pockets, and little else. However, most of the politician he dealt with were based out of Washington, D.C.

Steve would share with him a clip from the previous night’s newscast and they’d discuss it. Sometimes, they’d disagree on proposed policies, ways to implement them, or the best recourse There wasn’t much on which they disagreed, surprisingly, and in general, he kept an open mind. He knew his life and experiences had clouded his judgement in the past, and so, he had been working on broadening his horizons.

Steve had a different perspective and Tony found himself enthralled with the way he spoke about things. It alluded to all the thinking he did. And if there was anything Tony loved, it was a thinker, so he let him speak his mind.

Then he found out Steve had soft spot for soap operas, which Tony found rather endearing, though he didn’t say that him.

He could imagine Steve lying on the couch, all his attention on the newest betrayal.

Rather bashful, Steve had said he quite enjoyed the drama of it all.

At some point, they had started playing card games over breakfast – if you could even call it that – and it was a lot of fun. Rummy was their favorite.

 

Tony had come to realize that after all these years of living own his own, he really missed having a roommate.

Tony hadn’t had a roommate since living with Rhodey at college and had missed the camaraderie. JARVIS was always around, as were the bots, but it wasn’t the same as having a friend with whom he could lie on the couch and watch movies over pizza.

Rhodey left for southern California. It was a great opportunity and the weather was perfect for flying. They’d fly out to see each other whenever they could squeeze it into their schedules. Then, Tony moved to Los Angeles. It was still a drive, but worth it to see each other. Tony would’ve said they hadn’t Cambridge if not for the lack of snow.

Then Tony started splitting his time between New York and Los Angeles, before making the move back to New York.

Now, he was busy with the team, and Rhodey and Carol were settling down. There was always Skype.

Rhodey had been his friend forever and he was happy for him.

He had been around for it all: the ups and the downs. He had been there for all the scandals, the tragedies, and the successes. Tony trusted him above everyone. Possibly even more so than Pepper. He never gave up, never lost hope. Long after everyone else had presumed him dead, Rhodey fought on.

If it hadn’t been for him, they wouldn’t have found him. They would’ve given up long before Tony escaped his captors.

Tony would never forget that.

That first embrace on the hot, coarse sand reaffirmed everything he had ever felt about him, about them and their relationship. He loved him, of course. Not in the same way he loved Pepper; nonetheless, it was love.

 

Steve had his own quarters and just chose to spend more and more of his time in Tony’s space. It wasn’t unusual, he just spent more time with Tony than he did with anyone else. It didn’t have to mean anything.

Surely, it didn’t.

By and large, the other Avengers kept to their floors. Natasha occasionally joined Clint and Steve on theirs. She and Clint still went on missions, since they were on loan from SHIELD. On those days, the Tower would be eerily quiet.

Natasha and Steve would spar, and Tony had had the fortune of watching them a few times. It was quite a spectacle. Their movements were powerful and swift, but their techniques were quite different.

Natasha moved like a dancer. Her whole body moved in fluid, liquid motions. Steve also moved with his whole body, but there was more concentrated power behind his attacks. More force.

Whereas, Natasha’s were precise. There was a ruthlessness under the surface, but she kept it under check.

She was a great partner for him. Tony had wondered if maybe something could or would develop between them, but that had been before she had started seeing Pepper. He had wondered the same thing regarding Clint, but she had brushed him off saying that door had opened and closed.

He wanted to delve deeper but knew it best not to prod. Maybe he could ask Pepper. She wouldn’t disclose, rightly stating it wasn’t her story to tell.

He understood their desire to keep things close to their chest. He had his secrets too.

Bruce sometimes came up to spend time with Tony, but it was usually for work, and not leisure. He preferred to spend his time alone. Tony didn’t know what he did in his downtime and wasn’t sure he should ask. He had requested JARVIS keep an eye on him, just in case.

JARVIS had assured him all was well, and Tony took him at his word.

Perhaps, it wasn’t wishful thinking. Steve did come up just to spend time with him and in his company. He knew his feelings for Steve had intensified and he knew he would have to admit them to him, but if there was a chance that maybe, just maybe, they were reciprocal, it could complicate things.

He needed to tell Rhodey about this, and a phone call wouldn’t cut it.


	4. I Constantly Thank God for Esteban

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who [hiccupped] endlessly trying to giggle but wound up with a sob  
> behind a partition in a Turkish Bath when the blond & naked  
> angel came to pierce them with a sword,  
> who lost their loveboys to the three old shrews of fate the [one-  
> eyed] shrew of the heterosexual dollar the [one-eyed] shrew  
> that winks out of the womb and the [one-eyed] shrew that does  
> nothing but sit on her ass and snip the intellectual golden  
> threads of the craftsman’s loom.
> 
> — Allen Ginsburg
> 
> You can read the rest of the poem [here](https://poets.org/poem/howl-parts-i-ii).

“Honey Bear is this a good time?”

“No, but you have a knack for calling at the worst times,” said Rhodey, discreetly. He was wearing a Bluetooth headset, but was still on the clock, and couldn’t chat.

“I know, I know. You can’t talk. Just uh, wanted to say I’m on the West Coast. We can chat after hours.”

“Fine, I’ll fly.”

Tony smiled, though he knew Rhodey couldn’t see. “Knew you would, Honey Bear.”

“This better be good. I’ll have to cancel a reservation.”

Tony frowned. “Do I have to apologize to Carol?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll let her know. She’ll be surprised you haven’t crashed our party yet.”

“Would I let you down? Actually, don’t answer that.”

Rhodey laughed before ending the call.

 

Tony had arrived minutes before. He flew in his suit, only texting Pepper to let her know he wouldn’t be able to make their next monthly meeting, scheduled for the following morning. Though he added that he would be available to Skype.

**_Skipping town again._ **

_Can’t say I’m surprised._

_LA or Tokyo?_

_Just be sure you’re okay._

_Let me know if anything happens._

**_Stateside and will do._ **

_I mean it, Tony._

**_Yes, Pep._ **

He thought of texting Steve, of letting him know he was going to be in LA for a few days, but Steve hadn’t said anything about his trip to D.C. Maybe he was avoiding him, maybe he didn’t want to divulge why he had taken a trip to the nation’s capital. Tony couldn’t necessarily blame him, even if it did sting. _He_ didn’t want to go into detail. Didn’t want to explain why he had decided to drop everything.

The Avengers needed to know, though. If something happened, they needed to know he was indisposed.

He groaned. He would have to text Steve anyway. Steve was their Captain. And yet, if he sent the first message, he would be starting a conversation he wasn’t ready to have.

He opened the messaging app and stared at the empty message. He could this. It was a simple message.

_Hi Steve, I’m in LA. Be back in few. Don’t miss me._

No, no. That was too much. If he just left it as ‘be back in a few,’ it sounded dismissive. He wasn’t trying to dismiss him. He wasn’t trying to incite anything either.

He deleted the message, thought of closing the app. Opted instead to text Natasha.

**_Will be in LA. Unless another portal opens, don’t come looking for me._ **

_Should I be concerned?_

**_No._ **

_Should I tell Steve?_

Tony stared at his phone for a moment before answering.

_No._

Pepper was his boss, he owed her that much. He and Steve weren’t dating. They just spent time together when their insomnia made staying awake a chore. They weren’t committed.

He was committed to the Avengers and had done his job. He had informed a team member.

Perhaps, he was overreacting. All Tony knew was that Steve had taken a trip, over a weekend, to meet with someone, and it wasn’t business. For all he knew, he had been meeting a friend.

For all he knew, he could’ve been meeting a lover. Maybe it was that blonde he had met once at a SHIELD briefing.

_It doesn’t matter, Stark. He’s not yours._

 

It was then that Rhodey landed outside his front door, pulling Tony from his reverie, and forcing him to put his phone away.

Besides, he was overthinking this and there were more pressing matters. He had delayed this long enough. He needed to tell someone.

He needed to prepare.

Tony walked out just as Rhodey was taking off his helmet. Tony took it from his hands and walked back to the door, holding it open for Rhodey. He was wearing his uniform under the armor. Tony hadn’t had time to undress and get into something comfortable. He had taken off his suit jacket and had tossed it on the couch but had done little else.

“So, what’s the big secret?”

“Do you remember Tiberius Stone?”

“That asshole who invited you to spend the weekend on his yacht, who had convinced you it was a good idea to get drunk and sail across the Long Island Sound? That one?”

“Yes,” said Tony. “The very same.”

“Where was I that day? Must’ve been in Philly.”

Tony nodded. “I think so. Something to do with your grandma. You had invited me, but I turned you down.”

“Yeah you turned me down to be with your boyfriend.”

“Well, clearly that had been my first mistake,” said Tony, unable to meet his eye.

“Tony…”

“It’s fine. It’s fine. I was stupid.”

“You were pretty stupid, but not for this. Can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same if my super-hot, billionaire girlfriend had invited me onto her yacht,” said Rhodey.

Tony raised his brow.

“Well, I didn’t think he was super-hot, but you sure did.”

Before Tony could object, Rhodey added, “Besides, your parents were away – somewhere, probably D.C. In those days, Howard spent a lot of time in D.C.”

“He had always spent a lot of time in D.C.”

“Yeah, but he had taken your mom with him.”

“That didn’t mean it wasn’t business.”

“Yeah, well, highly doubt he would’ve gone if he knew what kind of business you’d be getting into,” said Rhodey.

“God, I was so stupid.”

“Tony, it’s been 20 years. It wasn’t your fault. You both got drunk. He had a Polaroid and the both of you took a bunch of pictures. There were pictures of the two of you kissing under the sun, floating on the Long Island Sound, without a care in the world.”

“Those weren’t the only pictures.”

“No, they weren’t,” said Rhodey. He paused, then added, “Do you remember the others?”

“Of course. Those pictures were never supposed to see the light of day.”

“I know, Tones. Not blaming you. You loved him. He always made me uneasy, but you wouldn’t hear it though. He was your sun and your world revolved around him. You both hated your fathers, drank too much whiskey, and read poetry. He was perfect.”

Rhodey sat on the couch and motioned for Tony to sit next to him.

“Oh man, I will never forget the look on Howard’s face when he stalked into our dorm to confront you. We were counting down the minutes until he showed up at our door. I remember how frantic you were. You had been so worried.”

“I thought he was going to kill me.”

“Pretty sure your mom thought the same, that’s why she made Jarvis go with him,” said Rhodey, recalling the moment.

“You were the genius billionaire whose father had just found out –”

“Was having an affair with a rival business partner’s son,” finished Tony.

He was quiet for some time, lost in his memories. He added, shortly thereafter, “Do you remember what happened after that?”

He couldn’t look Rhodey in the eye. He hadn’t though about this day in so long, and then Ty had shown up, out of the blue, and suddenly, he couldn’t stop the memories from flooding his mind.

Rhodey touched his knee and Tony met his eyes. There was a sadness there he hadn’t seen in a long time. They didn’t talk about this. It was decades ago. It shouldn’t hurt anymore, but deep down, it did.

Deep down, it always would.

_I had loved him, and he betrayed me. He wouldn’t be the last, but he had been the first, and that’s all that had mattered._

“Yeah. I remember.”

 

_Rhodey had opened the door on Tony’s behalf. Tony had left as much space between himself and the door. He had done all he could to distract himself the day. His mother had called earlier and warned them._

_“I told him to stay, but he said he needed to deal with this,” said Maria. She sounded tense. Rougher than sandpaper, as if she had spent the night and morning talking until she was hoarse._

_Rhodey sat on the other side of the receiver, listening to Maria speak to her son._

_“I asked Edwin to go with him. You know your father, he’ll listen to Edwin. Always has. I hope he can talk some sense into him. It’s quite a drive to Cambridge. They’ll have time.”_

_“I hope,” said Tony, not trusting his voice to add more. He wanted to tell her he was sorry. Not sorry for the pictures, not sorry for believing in Ty, but for thinking he could keep this a secret._

_The first night, he had lit a cigarette and called her from his room._

_“I just want you to know this is who I am.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yes! Of course, I’m sure. God, I thought you’d be better than him,” said Tony, his voice cracking. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t._

_He wasn’t a child anymore._

_“Tony – please, I’m not… Just listen,” she supplicated._

_“I’m listening,” said Tony, tersely. He was covering the receiver with his palm as he steadied his breath. She didn’t need to hear that. She didn’t need to know he was in agony._

_“Tony, you’re still young. That’s all I’m saying. There’s still time for you to find a nice, young girl.”_

_“I never said that wouldn’t happen.”_

_“Oh,” said Maria. Her train of thought had been derailed and she wasn’t sure what to say now._

_“I’m bisexual not gay.”_

_“Yes, honey, but… Everyone chooses.”_

_He felt rage and then an inescapable sadness. If she didn’t understand, Howard would never understand._

_“And when I make that choice, I’ll have more than one option. That’s all I’m saying.” He hung up before she said anything else._

_He held the phone close to his chest and tried to steady his breathing. Rhodey came into the room awhile later._

_“Please tell me this won’t change anything between us, because if it does, I need to know,” said Tony, staring out the window. He willed himself to keep looking out at the overcast sky even as he heard Rhodey clear his throat._

_“I still don’t understand what you see in him, but I can’t say I didn’t know you were into guys. If you tell me you have a crush on me, well, that might be weird, but it would be weird even if you were a girl. So, no, I think we’re good.”_

_Tony turned to face him then. “I don’t have a crush on you. You’re like…my brother. That would be gross.”_

_“Good, because that would be weird. This whole situation is fucked up, but this doesn’t change anything. I just wish you would have told me sooner.”_

_“That I was going to be on the yacht with him.”_

_“That you two were fucking and didn’t want your fathers to find out. Also, the yacht thing, but that seems incidental now.”_

_“We were trying to keep it secret.”_

_“You spend all your waking moments not in this room with him, Tony. It was an open secret. Anyone on this campus, anyone with a vendetta against you or your family could’ve leaked those pictures. For as much as I don’t like him, I don’t think he’d leak those pictures.”_

_“You don’t,” said Tony, surprised._

_“No, I don’t. The pictures aren’t just of you… He’s in them too. I highly doubt his father is taking this any better than Howard. Why would he want to do that? What would he gain from that?”_

_He started pacing the room. “I think whoever leaked those photos is trying to hurt both of you.”_

_Tony sat quietly, pensive. It was some time before he spoke. “I hope you’re right.”_

 

_“Is James there,” she asked._

_Rhodey took the phone from Tony then and answered her directly. “Hi, Mrs. Stark.”_

_“_ Buona sera _, James. It’s so very good to hear from you. Did you hear what I said to Tony?”_

_“Yes, ma’am,” replied Rhodey._

_Tony had started pacing the room._

_“Keep yourselves safe and call me when he leaves,” said Maria._

_“Will do, Mrs. Stark.”_

_She disconnected after that and Rhodey motioned for Tony to sit._

_“We can’t spend the whole afternoon pacing. We’ll order some pizza, watch a movie, and deal with him when he comes banging. There’s nothing else we can do, Tony.”_

_Tony nodded and reached for the receiver to dial the pizzeria. He knew the number by heart and they knew his order. While it was ringing, he passed the phone to Rhodey. Rhodey took it without question._

_“I don’t want them to say anything on the phone.”_

_Rhodey paused and heard a woman say hello over and over before he replied. “Good afternoon, I want to place an order for delivery.”_

 

“What does this have to do with your visit, Tony,” asked Rhodey.

“Ty showed up at my apartment a few weeks ago.”

“And you’re just telling me now.”

Tony held up his palm. “For starters, I haven’t told anyone, so you’re the first to hear, which I know is exactly what you like to hear. Secondly, let me finish.”

Rhodey motioned for him to continue.

“Now, I know how he broke in, and I patched the security systems. Reinforced them. JARVIS and I started working on them immediately and I spent several days on it. God, I hadn’t pulled such an all-nighter in so long, but I did it, and I did it right.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“You don’t believe me.”

“No, I believe you. Just can’t believe your ex-boyfriend broke into the Tower and presumably, lived to tell the tale.”

Tony sighed. “Well, I updated the Tower’s security systems, issued everyone who lives and works in the building new ID cards. And I meant to go after him but… Truth is, I’ve been busy. Busy doing SI stuff, training with the team, not sleeping, and thus, spending time with Steve.”

Rhodey raised his eyebrows at that last comment but waited for Tony to finish.

“Frankly, I can do a lot in 24 hours, but we only have 24 hours, and not much more. I forgot. I had so much on my mind that I forgot about that night.”

“Let me get this straight, a guy you haven’t seen since you were in college, who made your life a living nightmare, who denounced ever having loved you. Calling your whole relationship, a farce, saying he wasn’t gay, and had just experimented with men… That guy… That’s the one you don’t go after?”

Rhodey stood and started pacing. “A lot of shit you do makes no sense to me, but this takes the cake.”

“What if I told you I don’t want to face him? What then?”

“I’d say that makes more sense.”

“It’s just… He went back to doing what he had always done, and nothing changed. _Nothing_. God, I spent so many years trying to escape those pictures, trying to escape that image. I never denied it. Never denied this part of myself. And he –”

He couldn’t bring himself to finish.

“And he did.”

Tony threw his head back and covered his eyes with his palms. “I was just… _Fuck_ , why is this so hard, and why did he have to break my stupid, stupid heart?”

“I don’t know, but you wouldn’t leave the room, and when you finally did, your eyes were so swollen and bloodshot, it was hard to look at you.”

“But you did,” said Tony softly.

“Because you don’t scare me, Tony. You never have.”

 

Tony thought on that day Howard had stormed into the room, bellowing with rage.

_“How dare you? How dare you sully our name? How dare you prance around… You’ve strayed so far from the path your mother and I started you on. You’re no son of mine.”_

_But Howard wasn’t the only one that was angry. He wasn’t the only one whose anger rose to the surface as quickly as magma._

_“I was never a son to you. I was just something you could mold into your likeness, but I’m not like you. I’m not like you at all.”_

_Howard stared at him. Daggers._

_Both Jarvis and Rhodey stopped him from lunging at Tony as he screamed. “You’re an abomination!”_

_Tony stood there as insult after insult rained down from his father’s lips. Eventually, Jarvis was able to calm him and lead him out of the apartment. If anyone else heard the yelling, he couldn’t know. No one had bothered to come out._

_Tony sat on the sofa, Rhodey next to him, and cried. He had waited until the car had pulled out of the parking lot. He kept thinking_ they were just pictures _._

_“I’ll call your mom and let her know they’re on the way back.”_

 

Tony had been devastated to learn Ty had leaked the images to the press. He had shown them to his father, who had made him swear they didn’t mean anything. Ty told him what he wanted to hear. He cried his crocodile tears. And of course, his father believed him.

Why wouldn’t he? Ty bought the lie himself.

He said it had all been Tony’s idea. He had been the one to suggest they go sailing – itself, a lie. From there, the lies kept spilling. In the end, he had framed Tony as the mastermind of it all.

Of course, it was easier to believe these lies. They were in-keeping with what everyone had perceived. Tony had always been the scandalous one.  Young and rambunctious.

 

_“I can’t believe you would lie.”_

_“You’re always so dramatic,” said Ty, dismissing Tony._

_“No. No, I’m not and I hate when you do that,” said Tony, standing firm._

_“Doesn’t matter what you say. They’ll never believe you. You’re the flamboyant one. You think I don’t know? You think I don’t know who_ you _are?”_

_He punctuated the ‘you’ and Tony never hated anyone as much as he hated him in that moment._

_“I’m perfectly aware of who I am, you’re the one pretending… Pretending this is you. I can’t – I can’t believe I ever trusted you,” he said._

_Heartbroken, he added, “You, you were the one who told me to be comfortable with myself… You, you were always there, when I had my doubts.”_

_He had promised himself he wouldn’t cry in front of Ty. He couldn’t. Couldn’t let him see him like that, not after this. He would have to wait until he was alone._

_“You’re so full of doubt you can’t even see it, Tony. This show you put on? You think it’s you, you think it’s real, but it’s not. You hate the real you and I can’t help you with that,” said Ty._

_He took a drag. Tony wanted to slap the cigarette out of his mouth and crush it under his toes, but he kept his cool._

_“This isn’t even about me, Ty. This is about you, and what you did was despicable.”_

_“Darling, please, you’re overreacting. What I did,” said Ty, taking another drag, “was give you a choice.”_

_“A choice? You gave me a choice? What kind of choice, exactly? Lie to my father and tell him his son will sober up and graduate and settle down with some blonde he doesn’t even like all that much and take over the company and become a carbon copy of him? Is that the choice you gave me, because the only other choice… It isn’t much of a choice.”_

_“Anthony, you’re still free to choose to do whatever you want. You have always done whatever you want.”_

_“I don’t think you understand.”_

_“No, I don’t think_ you _understand,” said Ty, interrupting Tony. “No one’s asking you to lie. And you don’t owe anyone the truth.”_

_“I owe myself that.”_

_“Do you?”_


	5. Clear the Area

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are near or you are far,  
> depending on the accuracy of the words I have chosen.  
> When my teacher told me to use this  
> instead of the, she was talking about the range between  
> the intimate and the conventional.
> 
> — Rick Barot
> 
> You can read the rest of the poem [here.](https://poets.org/poem/adjacent-against-upon)

Tony and Rhodey spent the rest of the evening reminiscing over takeout. Rhodey had sensed there was more to Tony’s visit than the Tiberius Stone incident, but he knew when to push and prod, and this wasn’t one of those times.

He knew there was something else on his mind, something he needed to get off his chest. Something he couldn’t have said by text or over the phone.

He had been around Tony too long, he knew all his tells, and this was one of them.

 

“Why do I have to be the one to order,” asked Rhodey, though he knew the answer. Tony hated calling and he hated answering the door. He’d happily eat whatever was ordered so long as he had no part in its purchase.

“Please,” said Tony. “I flew all the way over here, it’s the least you could do. Really.”

“You’re such a spoiled brat,” said Rhodey.

Tony threw his head back and laughed. “I am, Honey Bear, and you love me, regardless.”

Rhodey sighed. “You know, no one likes a know-it-all.”

Before they knew it, their order had arrived. Tony paid the driver handsomely and Rhodey took the bags from his hands. Answering the man’s quizzical look, Rhodey said, “He doesn’t like being handed things.”

They had ordered more than enough for several people. Rhodey knew Tony was used to ordering for everyone in the Tower. Steve could eat all of this by himself. He’d probably ask for seconds. Or rather, he’d want seconds, realize there was no more, and would wait until everyone had left to make himself another meal.   

It seemed Tony was just hungry. Though hungry was an understatement. Ravenous was more like it. Piloting the armor is exhausting under normal circumstances and a cross-country flight would be tiring on its own, without all the effort involved in flight. Rhodey wasn’t worried though. He knew JARVIS would take the reins if Tony started to doze off.

Even though Tony spent more time as Iron Man than he did as War Machine, he had more years of training, and Tony had a mechanical heart.

Pepper had once said, “Not everybody runs on batteries, Tony.”

He wasn’t sure if Tony had heard.

 

“Okay, I’ve fed you. Now, you owe me a story,” said Rhodey, picking up the last of the empty food cartons. He had piled them in a corner on the table. He’d toss them when he went to the kitchen, but he didn’t want to get up now.

“I do?”

“Don’t act coy,” said Rhodey.

“Who says I’m acting coy?”

“Just spill it. What else is there? What else aren’t you telling me?”

Tony sighed. Pushing himself off the couch and making a beeline for the kitchen. He paused, remembering the stack of food cartons on the edge of the coffee table, and went back to get them.

After a few minutes, he came back, sipping one of those disgusting green smoothies he kept drinking despite hating them.  

“Why do you drink those disgusting things? I know you hate them. You always make a face when you… Yeah, that’s the face.”

“It’s this or it’s supplements and you know… I can’t take pills.”  

“Forget I asked,” he said. He patted the cushion next to him for Tony to sit. He didn’t say anything else, but he knew Tony would speak. He hated having these conversations, but he hated the silence that preceded them even more.

“I’m in love with Steve Rogers,” he said.

Rhodey could hear him holding his breath, waiting for his response. A response.

“Does he know,” he asked.

Tony shook his head. “You’re the first.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

Tony threw his head back and covered his eyes. He was exhausted.

“What can I do? I have no idea if Steve’s interested in men. I have no idea if he’s interested in me. And, assuming the answers to both are a resounding ‘yes,’ I have no idea if he’d want… I don’t even know if _I’d_ want a relationship.”

“All you ever want is to be in a relationship,” said Rhodey.

“I’m sensing judgement from you, Care Bear,” said Tony.

“Not judgment, just fact,” he said.

As he was getting off the couch, Tony reached for him. He took a deep breath.

“If I tell him and he… God, the worst scenario would be… But, well, I’m not going to think of that. I swear. I’d prefer rejection.”

“I’m sure.”

They sat in silence for some time. Rhodey broke the silence. “Tony, go to sleep. You’re dead on your feet. Go.”

Tony nodded. Getting to his feet, he realized just how tired he was. He turned to face Rhodey.

“You don’t have to say anything, Tones.”

“It feels like I do,” he said.

 

Tony called Pepper the next morning, having promised her he’d be available by Skype for their monthly meeting. Not that he wanted to be at the meeting, but he was still on the board.

“It’s lunchtime, Tony. You’re a few hours late. I already sent you what you’d need to know. There were several attachments in that email. I’m sure you haven’t read them all.”

“I’m sorry. I –”

“You forgot time zones exist? Oh, Tony. Is there something you want to tell me? This isn’t like you. If you’re late, it’s on purpose,” she said.

“That makes me sound terrible.”

“You are terrible.”

“Rhodey called me a spoiled brat and here you are calling me terrible. With friends like these, who needs enemies?”

“Oh, shut up, you know we love you,” she said.

It was the first time she had said she loved him since their breakup. The silence hung in the air, thick and heavy. He was reading into it too much. She had moved on. She and Natasha had been together for several months now. The super spy had never looked happier.

He didn’t know how that made him feel, but it wasn’t about him. Not anymore.  

He thought maybe this was his chance. He’d break the tension with something else. Something that would usurp the awkwardness dragging them into the next hour.  

He took a sip of his coffee. It was cold. How long had he left it there? It didn’t matter.

“I know, Pep. I know. Still hurts when you call me an asshole though.”

“Well, have you considered not being one?”

He smiled. It would be fine. They would be fine. They could still be friends, they could still be confidants.

“I’m going to ignore that,” he said, and it was her turn to smile.

“You could’ve called me, you know. I would’ve answered. I always answer your calls,” he added.

“We both know that’s a lie, but I’m flattered. I didn’t call because you didn’t need to be here. I prefer when everyone’s in attendance, but there was nothing said that couldn’t have been said in an email," she said.

Then she added, “At this point, these meetings are perfunctory. Until we have the new prototypes, there’s nothing to talk about that hasn’t been said a hundred times before, but you don’t need me to tell you that. You know.”

She took a bite of her salad, which she had previously neglected.

Then she added, “And besides, to ensure you were up and ready by the time the others shuffled in, I would’ve had to call you at 6am, and if there’s one thing you hate more than meetings, it’s waking up at the crack of dawn for a meeting. So, I did you a favor.”

He took a bite of his gluten-free waffle.

“You’re too kind to me,” he said and left it at that.

He would tell her later. The moment had passed, and it no longer seemed appropriate.

Two more days in LA and then, he’d go back. He couldn’t hide from her or from Steve. Not anymore and surely, not forever, especially when they knew where to find him.

On his last day in LA, Steve texted him.

_You don’t have to answer, but I was wondering when you’d be back._

He stared at the message. Did he miss him? Was this his way of asking him to come back?

**_Tomorrow._ **

He wrote back quickly and tossed the phone on the workbench. He had much to do, he needed to finish his repairs before he flew home. If he went back to working, if he ignored all incoming calls and messages, the day would go by much quicker. He’d be back in New York and back in the Tower in no time. No time at all.

He wanted Steve to wait for him. He wanted Steve to be awake when he arrived. He wanted to hear him say, “I missed you,” or “I’ve been expecting you,” or something. Something that would let him know he was missed. Something that would let him know these feelings were reciprocal and it wasn’t just wishful thinking.  

LA was his home away from home, but New York would always be his home. And now, when he thought of it, he couldn’t help but think of Steve.

He wondered what Steve would think of LA. He knew he had never been on the west coast. He spent more time in Europe than in the States during the war.

He wondered if next time, they would come back here, together. Escape the hustle and bustle to lie on the beach. He’d take him to a Dodgers game. Steve would love that. It would be a nice change. Not that he had any problem with watching the game at home. Steve would complain about everything, from the commercial breaks to the decisions made by the umpires. Tony found it pleasing. Steve was comfortable enough to share even the most mundane observations with him.

He sighed.

He was lonely. There was no use denying that. He needed to get back and tell him the truth.

This fantasy was getting too elaborate.

 

He was flying over New Jersey when he heard Natasha’s voice over the comms. Steve was handling the first responders, she said. They had to evacuate Roosevelt Island  and people were cramming onto the city buses. There was only one train in and out and the tram was deemed unsafe.

Clint was by her side, but they were outmatched. They needed help. They needed Iron Man.

“On it,” he said as he flew over the Hudson River. He’d be there in a few minutes.

A portal had opened seemingly at random, and from the portal had emerged a woman. Tall and imposing, with long, blonde hair framing her face and falling behind her shoulders. She was beautiful and otherworldly, and at once, Tony knew she was Asgardian.

In times like these, he wished there were a way for them to reach Thor, wherever he was. His help would be invaluable right about now.

Standing there, clad in black and green, Tony couldn’t help but find her mesmerizing. There was something about her, something he found… Magical.

“Her name is Enchantress,” said Natasha. “Thor had mentioned her. As the name implies, she’s a Sorceress.”

“Well, that would explain it,” he said, mostly to himself.

“She’s wicked powerful,” added Clint. That much had been obvious.  

Tony swooped in, aiming the unibeam at her. It caught her off guard for a moment, but she was quick, much quicker than Tony. She absorbed his attack and at once, paralyzed him.

He didn’t see it coming.

He had been so worried about falling from the sky, so worried about losing control. After the Battle of New York, he had done everything he could to ensure something like that wouldn’t happen again. It was the reason he couldn’t sleep more than a few hours. It was the reason he awoke, feverish, in the middle of the night, gripping the sheets tight.

Had it not been for Steve… He’s not sure what would’ve been of him in those early days, after Pepper had left, and he had found himself all alone.

He was still alone, but it was different.

He was paralyzed. Trapped inside the armor and falling faster and faster. Steve was nowhere to be found, though there was little he could do for him now.

Natasha watched horrified. She had been the one to close the portal. It was all too soon for her.

It hadn’t even been a year, and here he was, reliving his worst fear, and he couldn’t even scream or close his eyes. It was worse than before.

He landed on a car and felt the air rush out of him.

He couldn’t move. Oh God, he couldn’t move.

He was panicking. He needed to get up, get out of the suit. He needed to feel the air around him. He needed to do whatever he could to stop himself, from thinking about that day, from thinking about space, from thinking about the agonizingly slow descent back to earth.

He needed… He needed _Steve_. Steve understood. He had taken a nosedive in the Arctic. He would understand. He would understand Tony’s panic.

He understood why he couldn't sleep, why he woke up in a cold sweat.

As if his prayers were answered, he heard Steve’s boots hitting the ground as he ran towards him.

“Tony,” he called out, frantic.

Natasha and Clint were closing in behind him.

“I’m here,” he said when he approached.

“Tony, I’m here,” he said as he put his arm on Tony’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug.

“Thank God,” he heard Steve say over and over.

Tony breathed a sigh of relief. It would be okay, it would be okay.

Steve was here. Steve was here with him.

He wanted to cry. He had missed him so much. He had been wanting to see him, to hear him. It had only been a few days, but he had spent those by himself, and he had longed for him. His touch, his smile. He had been dreaming of a reunion, but it hadn’t been like this.

It hadn’t been like this.

They had gone through this in training. Steve knew where to press to disassemble the armor. First, he pressed the release on the shoulder: left shoulder first and then the right. Until piece-by-piece, he had removed the plates, and placed them on the hood of the damaged car.  

Tony couldn’t move so Steve had to move him. He positioned him where he needed him to facilitate disassembly.

They hadn’t been this close. They hadn’t been this close before. It was everything he wanted. Everything he wanted, and he couldn’t move. Couldn’t say a word.

As he approached, Clint spoke. “I think she put a spell on him.”

Steve nodded. He had come to that conclusion on his own.

From behind him, they heard a laugh.

“Do the others know,” she asked, looking directly at Steve, whose hand was still on Tony’s bare shoulder. Pieces of the armor surrounding them.

He knew how it must look. He had landed on the car and immediately, Steve had rushed over. Flushed. He had placed his hand on his shoulder and had proceeded to whisper words of encouragement, of comfort.

Steve didn’t answer her. He didn’t say anything. Anything at all.

Every one of Tony’s fears was threatening to overwhelm him. This couldn’t be happening, this couldn’t be happening to him again.

How many times would he be rejected in this way? How many times?

Once again, he wanted to cry, but for a very different reason. He had been a fool to believe Steve could love him.

“Such a shame,” she said. Amused. Of course, she found all this amusing. Tony’s life had always been a joke.

A moment later, Tony could feel Steve’s hand. It was still on his shoulder and it was too much. He was much too close, and this was much too intimate. He had just fallen. He was shaken, and he couldn’t handle this.

He started to pull away, but Steve brought him closer and took a deep breath.

Tony couldn’t think, didn’t think. He just titled his head, slightly to the right, and kissed him.

It was then the cameras went off.

 

Tony didn’t leave the penthouse all day. He kept refreshing Twitter. He knew he shouldn’t, but he didn’t know what else to do, how else to cope. By this point, enough hours had to have passed, that most of the world would know.

He had been so stupid. Overcome and overwhelmed.

Enchantress had left as quickly as she came. She would be back, they knew, but they were relatively safe for as long as Thor remained off-world. She had been looking for him, after all. The rest of the chaos and damage was incidental.

 

The ambulance ride had been tense. Steve had insisted on accompanying him. Tony had almost said no. Not that he didn’t want him to accompany him, but rather, he didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.

In the end, he was weak and greedy. He kept thinking about Steve’s hands on him and he wanted whatever he could get, so he said yes. Once the doors of the ambulance closed and they were left alone with the EMTs, they held hands.

 

Natasha and Clint had stayed. Agent 13, Sharon Carter, had joined them in the cleanup.

Maria Hill and Nick Fury had pulled Steve aside when they arrived at the hospital. Part of him wanted to hear the conversation, part of him wanted to stay as far away as possible. Thankfully, the doctors whisked him away for their examinations. He didn’t break any bones, for which he was thankful.

It was only later that he heard the latter part of Steve and Fury’s argument. Understandably, Steve was furious. Said it was an invasion of privacy. Fury had to remind him they had been in public.

“Everyone has a camera in their pocket nowadays. Besides, no one told you two to kiss.”

Steve stormed out of the wing after that.

 

A few hours later, Tony was cleared. Pepper had been notified – she was still his emergency contact – and she had called Happy, who met him in the lobby. They escorted them through the hospital and out the back.

They told him he would encounter less paparazzi this way. It was a reprieve, albeit a small one. He was grateful though.

Tony didn’t speak during the car ride. Happy seemed to understand he wanted to be left alone. He played Tony’s favorite station. It was a small comfort.

When they arrived, he took the elevator directly to the penthouse.

“JARVIS, lockdown.”

JARVIS didn’t reply but complied with the order.

Tony sat on the couch and cried. He didn’t want to look at the news, he already knew. Tabloids and the so-called respectable media sites would soon start circulating those pictures of him, from when he was in college. There was no denying it now. Not after the fact.

He thought back to what Tiberius had told him, all those years ago. He had given him a choice. He had given him a way out. Plausible deniability. But this? This was indisputable.

He had kissed him and it was caught on camera, as it happened.                                                                                  

 

“Tony,” she said, having knocked, softly. “If you really don’t want to see me, I’ll leave.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see her. It was that he didn’t want to see anyone. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say no, to tell her to go away.

He got off the bed and opened the door. His eyes were swollen from crying.

She took one look at him and pulled him into a hug. It seemed everyone was giving him hugs today. He would’ve loved it under any other condition.

“God, I’m… I’m so sorry,” she said.

He believed her. He believed her apology. She knew. They were in the same boat.

“Steve wants to see you. He wants to come in. I understand if you don’t want to see him, but I really think you two should talk.”

“There’s nothing to say, Pepper. There’s absolutely nothing to say. I thought Ty was trying to blackmail me, but it looks like that doesn’t matter!”

He started pacing. She didn’t try to stop him or calm him down. She sat on the edge of the bed and waited. Waited for whatever he was going to say next.

“What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, that’s right, I wasn’t. I didn’t even… It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter,” he said.

He was frustrated. Frustrated by the whole situation.

“Steve deserves to hear from you. This affects him too. Please talk to him,” she said, before making her way out of the room.

He knew Steve must’ve been waiting in the living room or out in the hall. He walked into the room, still wearing his uniform, though he had taken off the gloves and left the shield… Somewhere.

“Tony,” he said.

Tony kept pacing, needing something to do.

“I shouldn't have kissed you,” he said.

“I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn’t have kissed you in public. God, I was such an idiot. Why did I think that was a good idea? It wasn't your fault – it really wasn’t – but I had been wanting to do that for so long and you were there. You were right there!

“Right in front of me and I wanted to thank you. I wanted to tell you all the things I’ve been hiding. All the things I’ve kept to myself. How much I’ve missed you, how much I want you. I’m madly in love with you and I hate pretending otherwise,” he added.

Steve smiled. Sheepish.

“You’re madly in love with me?”

“Yes,” said Tony. Did you miss the part where I said I was an idiot?”

“You’re madly in love with me,” said Steve.

Tony nodded.

Steve closed the distance between them and brought their lips together in a fierce kiss. It was sloppy, but it didn’t matter. Steve was kissing him, his arms were around him, and he was breathing his scent.

“I’m in love with you, too. I have been for a while,” he said pulling back.

Tony studied his face. He was looking for a sign, for any way of knowing if this was fake.

“Why… Why didn't you say anything?”

“Because I was scared too.”

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters are all named after song titles. I thought them apt. 
> 
> You can reblog this post on [Tumblr](https://viudanegraaa.tumblr.com/post/185438100581/practicing-vigilance-art-chapter-1).

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Practicing Vigilance (ART)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19130113) by [brokenEisenglas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenEisenglas/pseuds/brokenEisenglas)
  * [Practicing Vigilance (ART)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19130113) by [brokenEisenglas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenEisenglas/pseuds/brokenEisenglas)




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